It always takes me about a week to settle into being back on the truck. This time around I brought my guest so that I can work on a wardrobe. This meant I would not have much time with my own dolly play, so I had to consider who to bring and what I could comfortably handle.
Evie’s new look has been very meaningful to me.
I have loved how I brought her back to the look I loved so much about Dollstown Seola, that pale waif, that child like look that has always pulled me. Yet, whether it is the time I am in right now or it’s a change in what I am seeking, often, Evie’s sad face saddens me. Gone is Evie’s self possessed confidence, instead I walk by her sitting in her room and I feel so guilty that she is so alone. I wondered if I was “preserving” her, making her wait until I am no longer in trucking and that thought made me even sadder. I am making her a shelf sitter.
I played around with Audrey on Christmas Eve, needing something as I sat there waiting for my husband to come home. I even changed her wig to see if I could make her exciting. I use the blondish tibetan wool wig on Audrey and I loved it. she looked so sweet, but she did not look like my little red headed Audrey. It made me wonder, have I changed Evie so many times than I am losing Evie? On this last home time, I spend a lot of time just looking at the dolls I have, tried to make connections, tried to see them for who they are.
I came very close to wanting to take a break from them all, hoping for something to spark when I got back. So I did not prepare anyone to come with us. I packed up the visitor and placed her with our luggage to go back on the truck, then at the very last possible moment, I grabbed Allina and ran out the door.
Funny, though, I sat her on my bed and did not even hold her until yesterday.
I just suddenly had an intense need to have her near me. I wish I knew what is going on, why I am feeling a shift of some unknown sort. I worry about Hawaii and what that will mean in being apart from my dolls for an entire year. I wonder if that is having an effect on my bonding, it sort of feels like I am mentally preparing myself for separation by pulling away.
Honestly, I do not know who to bring and I will be likely leaving in about 3 months. I look at Allina and feel so comfortable with her. She looks so steady and reassuring. Mikko smiles and is so happy. Audrey and Hammie are fun and cheerful. I miss playing with Miette, she was so fancy and bubbly at the same time. And Jollyann, I want to know her better. But where is my Evie? I feel like she is a sick child who cannot come out to play anymore. Sad.