Where is she?

It always takes me about a week to settle into being back on the truck.  This time around I brought my guest so that I can work on a wardrobe.  This meant I would not have much time with my own dolly play, so I had to consider who to bring and what I could comfortably handle.

 

Evie’s new look has been very meaningful to me. 

DSC04305  I have loved how I brought her back to the look I loved so much about Dollstown Seola, that pale waif, that child like look that has always pulled me.  Yet, whether it is the time I am in right now or it’s a change in what I am seeking, often, Evie’s sad face saddens me.  Gone is Evie’s self possessed confidence, instead I walk by her sitting in her room and I feel so guilty that she is so alone.  I wondered if I was “preserving” her, making her wait until I am no longer in trucking and that thought made me even sadder.  I am making her a shelf sitter.

 

I played around with Audrey on Christmas Eve, needing something as I sat there waiting for my husband to come home.  I even changed her wig to see if I could make her exciting.  I use the blondish tibetan wool wig on Audrey and I loved it.  she looked so sweet, but she did not look like my little red headed Audrey.  It made me wonder, have I changed Evie so many times than I am losing Evie?  On this last home time, I spend a lot of time just looking at the dolls I have, tried to make connections, tried to see them for who they are.

 

I came very close to wanting to take a break from them all, hoping for something to spark when I got back.  So I did not prepare anyone to come with us.  I packed up the visitor and placed her with our luggage to go back on the truck, then at the very last possible moment, I grabbed Allina and ran out the door.

 

Funny, though, I sat her on my bed and did not even hold her until yesterday.

 

DSC00372  I just suddenly had an intense need to have her near me.  I wish I knew what is going on, why I am feeling a shift of some unknown sort.  I worry about Hawaii and what that will mean in being apart from my dolls for an entire year.  I wonder if that is having an effect on my bonding, it sort of feels like I am mentally preparing myself for separation by pulling away.

 

Honestly, I do not know who to bring and I will be likely leaving in about 3 months.  I look at Allina and feel so comfortable with her.  She looks so steady and reassuring.  Mikko smiles and is so happy.  Audrey and Hammie are fun and cheerful.  I miss playing with Miette, she was so fancy and bubbly at the same time.  And Jollyann, I want to know her better.  But where is my Evie?  I feel like she is a sick child who cannot come out to play anymore.  Sad.

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