I wonder sometimes about my addictions. How deep or serious they might be, or whether in this world of information overload they are addictions at all, but perhaps it is more about being ever on the cusp of overdoing things in sheer greediness. And of course trying to figure out just what is the truth behind the need?
At this particular moment in our married lives, we are saving for our retirement home. Nothing fancy, but rather small and paid for in full, no mortgage to worry over. We have enough saved for the house now, but nothing more than that, meaning we could not retire completely, pensions are still a few years out of reach. The goal was to retire early, even if only by a few years, and so that is the real need right now, saving every extra penny we can. The more pennies, the sooner we retire. This affects us both in the needs department, from simple to complex wants. Husband wants to travel more, so he plots trips that cost money. I want dolls, fabrics, yarns, toys, so I plot how to get the cheapest version possible. Neither of us are being realistic and most of the time abandon our desires to being practical and saving…..heaving big petulant sighs while doing it.
Once in awhile I get wickedly caught up in a pursuit where I try and convince myself of all the reasons I should buy and have it. Most are fairly legit, like having wanted it in the past, or the price is so low it would be foolish not to indulge, or that it rarely comes to the country I live in. Addictions are all about justifying a “want”, perceived as a “need” and the lengths we are willing to go to get it. The thrill is in the anticipation and the moment of possession. I can feel this way about a bottle of good scotch or a doll. I never feel this way about frying pans or orange juice. It is what it is.
Is it an addiction when I plot a way to hide the purchase from my husband or plan a tearful apology that I didn’t know what came over me, but my need for the bottle or the doll was too much for me to resist? I have yet to feel a need to hide the purchase of a frying pan or beg for a bottle of orange juice…just this one time, I promise. This is a musing post….probably more amusing than musing, but there you have it. It’s the lead in to my pending confession.
I sat in utter horrific panic all of yesterday morning knowing I had bid on a doll that I should not have without talking it over with husband first. Why didn’t I just tell him of my interest and ask if he minded? Was it the recent lectures on the ever tight budget? Was it the guilt in knowing I put all my dolls in a box to be with Rosey alone, and here I clicked on an auction button like a fickle lover enticed by something new? Was I under the spell of dolly addiction once again? As my mind rushed over all possible conclusions of winning the auction (not a popular doll being in my favour, and dang, the price was so cheap! Oh, and I have not bought a doll in a whole YEAR!!!!) I thought about the payment. Ouch. Cheap by my knowledge of the current price ranges expected for the doll, but expensive when compared to the need. Did I need this doll? Am I willing to sell someone I already have to replace them with this one? I am willing to keep shuffling owned dolls to appease the desire for new? Every time I bring in a new doll, the whole dynamic shifts, whether it affects the relationships I already have with the dolls, or in the pursuit of a different doll direction. Addiction glosses over the drawbacks, the known problems, the financial distress.
More importantly, is my doll and expensive scotch addictions going to delay or even prevent me from having my own home someday? And why not start dealing with the habit? I lost the auction by £1. Yep, I could have gotten caught up in the bidding war. But I felt such a rush of relief that I sat back in my chair feeling the most enormous sense of guilt. My husband across from me (at our double desks) unaware of my near treachery of spending the grocery money on a doll and Rosey, who is looking at me with the most fantastic eyes she has ever had and I come down to earth again and muse…..what is this all about?
It was as though Rosey took up where Evie left off…giving me that look and saying, “If you need another doll, take one out of the box, or better yet…PLAY WITH ME!”. Annoyingly logical. Blatantly obvious.