I have come to a few more understandings of what is going on between me and my doll life. I was yet again playing around a bit, at least picking one up and turning it over in my hand. Things that I so enjoy about a doll, such as the weight and feel, were making me smile. I pushed myself to think about what would I really like now in a doll?
I have both child and adult dolls. I have both modern and antique. As I was thinking of my upcoming trip this Autumn, I was playing around with the idea of a travel companion and wouldn’t it be fun to create a traveling wardrobe? Well of course this would mean a small doll and not anything too fragile or cumbersome to get through all the airports. Perhaps 12 inches and under. As I continued to think about which doll would be fun to work with, I felt a few pangs of hesitations. A child doll.
I have been grieving over the last few years at the loss of being in the lives of my family. Oh, we still keep in contact and there isn’t any discord. It’s the long distance and the often very long periods between contacting each other. My daughter does not keep me informed of her life unless I ask, she gives it all to Facebook. It hurts me deeply that strangers know more about my daughter’s life than I do. My grandchildren are growing up and two of them will not remember much of me. And that is a reason it makes it difficult to reach for a child doll. I felt that connection strongly without understanding why I sat my beloved schoenhut doll down and did not pick her up again. She reminded me of my granddaughter. Now of course you would think that would be a wonderful thing, but it is a touchy emotion for me. I have a terrible habit of pushing difficult emotions away as far as I can.
As I age, I feel further away from children. Child’s play is a push to remembering my own childhood, my daughter’s childhood and now my grandchildren’s. I cannot replace it with a doll, it only serves to make me aware of the losses. Moving to Scotland has been the best thing I could have done, but it was at a tremendous emotional cost.
I thought I would write this out before I push it away. All of my dolls are too filled with memories of something I cannot touch without some degree of sadness. It must have been why they sat and stared and I could no longer bear to see them being ignored because I could not deal with the longing for my own family.
I think the best thing for me to do, is chose one or two that I know will never be a part of my life again and sell them to finance a new doll. It is a bit of a last hope, but perhaps something new and not connected to my past will allow me to re-explore my doll life. I think an adult companion would be best.