Musing

I wonder sometimes about my addictions.  How deep or serious they might be, or whether in this world of information overload they are addictions at all, but perhaps it is more about being ever on the cusp of overdoing things in sheer greediness.  And of course trying to figure out just what is the truth behind the need?

At this particular moment in our married lives, we are saving for our retirement home.  Nothing fancy, but rather small and paid for in full, no mortgage to worry over.  We have enough saved for the house now, but nothing more than that, meaning we could not retire completely, pensions are still a few years out of reach.  The goal was to retire early, even if only by a few years, and so that is the real need right now, saving every extra penny we can.  The more pennies, the sooner we retire.  This affects us both in the needs department, from simple to complex wants.  Husband wants to travel more, so he plots trips that cost money.  I want dolls, fabrics, yarns, toys, so I plot how to get the cheapest version possible.  Neither of us are being realistic and most of the time abandon our desires to being practical and saving…..heaving big petulant sighs while doing it.

Once in awhile I get wickedly caught up in a pursuit where I try and convince myself of all the reasons I should buy and have it.  Most are fairly legit, like having wanted it in the past, or the price is so low it would be foolish not to indulge, or that it rarely comes to the country I live in.  Addictions are all about justifying a “want”, perceived as a “need” and the lengths we are willing to go to get it.  The thrill is in the anticipation and the moment of possession.  I can feel this way about a bottle of good scotch or a doll.  I never feel this way about frying pans or orange juice.  It is what it is.

Is it an addiction when I plot a way to hide the purchase from my husband or plan a tearful apology that I didn’t know what came over me, but my need for the bottle or the doll was too much for me to resist?  I have yet to feel a need to hide the purchase of a frying pan or beg for a bottle of orange juice…just this one time, I promise.  This is a musing post….probably more amusing than musing, but there you have it. It’s the lead in to my pending confession.

I sat in utter horrific panic all of yesterday morning knowing I had bid on a doll that I should not have without talking it over with husband first.  Why didn’t I just tell him of my interest and ask if he minded?  Was it the recent lectures on the ever tight budget?  Was it the guilt in knowing I put all my dolls in a box to be with Rosey alone, and here I clicked on an auction button like a fickle lover enticed by something new?  Was I under the spell of dolly addiction once again?  As my mind rushed over all possible conclusions of winning the auction (not a popular doll being in my favour, and dang, the price was so cheap! Oh, and I have not bought a doll in a whole YEAR!!!!) I thought about the payment.  Ouch.  Cheap by my knowledge of the current price ranges expected for the doll, but expensive when compared to the need.  Did I need this doll?  Am I willing to sell someone I already have to replace them with this one?  I am willing to keep shuffling owned dolls to appease the desire for new?  Every time I bring in a new doll, the whole dynamic shifts, whether it affects the relationships I already have with the dolls, or in the pursuit of a different doll direction.  Addiction glosses over the drawbacks, the known problems, the financial distress.

More importantly, is my doll and expensive scotch addictions going to delay or even prevent me from having my own home someday?  And why not start dealing with the habit?  I lost the auction by £1.  Yep, I could have gotten caught up in the bidding war.  But I felt such a rush of relief that I sat back in my chair feeling the most enormous sense of guilt.  My husband across from me (at our double desks) unaware of my near treachery of spending the grocery money on a doll and Rosey, who is looking at me with the most fantastic eyes she has ever had and I come down to earth again and muse…..what is this all about?

It was as though Rosey took up where Evie left off…giving me that look and saying, “If you need another doll, take one out of the box, or better yet…PLAY WITH ME!”.  Annoyingly logical.  Blatantly obvious. 

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Up for Sale–Re-homing Planetdoll

I have decided to go in a new direction with my dolly world.  I have tried so hard to guess the dolly needs before we sold the house and lived in the truck and again trying to guess the needs before living in Hawaii for a year.  Both times, what I thought I would need and wanted ended up not being right for the situation.  Live and learn.  I spent too much time obsessing about size when in the end it was the companionship I needed, not the doll’s perfection.

When Allina and Mikko came into my life, I realized how  desperately I needed their simplicity and cheerfulness!They brought a calm to me emotionally and helped balance my very topsy turvy homeless lifestyle.  I also realized how simple doll play was far more enjoyable than developing complex personalities, stories and all that came with the the direction I had been steeped in for years.  I no longer seemed to be pulled to the perfection of a doll’s body and face, but finding that I am far more pleased with the simplicity of just being with the doll and enjoying their companionship.

When Joanie came into my life, I felt the same as I did with Allina and Mikko.  I had this sense of comfort, of happiness from just being with her.  This, is what I want and need from dolls right now.  Simple pleasures, quiet moments, playtime.  maybe someday when we have a home again, I will have more time to be creative and have different thoughts when it comes to dolls.  For now, it’s all about pure companionship.

I now begin to re-home anyone that does not make me feel the companionship I seek.

I have listed Ane Thea Ema Bia for sale.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=260810462636&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT

Very hard for me to do, but very necessary.

I have also listed the wooden trunk I made for her, here:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=260810474205&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT

At this moment in time (but it could change) my plan is to re-home Dollstown Seola, Dollzone Kay and Ani, Girls of Many Lands (India one, can’t think of her name), Miette and the 1/6th scale items and dolls when I return to Colorado next year.  I plan on going through every doll item I have (thank goodness I sorted most of them out the last couple of times I was home) and be selling anything that doesn’t fit my current doll world.  A year is a good time to see if that is the right thing to do and going home and seeing how I feel about it all will then be the final test.

I plan on keeping Charlotte and Saraband because the china’s Victorian world is not a cross over into mine.  Charlotte and Saraband have a parlour and continue to live a Victorian life without any help or input from me.  They are the ones I love to look at, love to imagine their lives and conversations.  I have never had any trouble leaving them when I travel. 

I really want just one dolly world where everyone, including me is a part of it, and we are not having separate lives, living in separate rooms, different time periods, having separate stories, right now this is just not where I am at.  Companion seeking has just all been too hard on me over the last two years. I have a very deep and strong need for cheerful or expressive faces, where I feel a connection, not just through admiration of the doll, but through a relationship.  I just can’t continue to fuss and fret over who is coming and who is staying behind.  This year, while here in Hawaii, I will play and spend time with a couple of new dolls, Joanie and one other, both of the same ilk.  When I return to the mainland next year, I am sure I will know what the next step is.

Working on It

I spent most of yesterday revamping my various blogs with an all new look.  I loved the themes and visuals and it helped me feel more creative. 

I changed The Problem with Pixies blog to Cabinet Cabaret, as I am thinking on possibly just letting what happens in the cabinet happen on it’s own, with me taking a snapshot now and then.  This involves a more adult type story with Ane Thea and 1/6th scale figures.  To help my thoughts on that, I am working on a personality sheet for each character.  So even if no story is yet posted to this blog, it is in the works.  If nothing comes out of my head and I don’t get a feel for it, they all get sent packing home.  So far, I do feel a bit of a stir of ideas, I just need to harvest it.  The basic idea is that they create their world inside a locked cabinet.  Entertain themselves, so to speak.  That blog is here:

http://theproblemwithpixies.blogspot.com/

Then I created a new blog for the tiny creatures I have.  I am working on a personality worksheet on them too.  One of the blog templates had Kimiko as the theme, so I decided it would be fun to run with that idea….little Kitty Bye (Hello Kitty figure) would be seeking her frog prince, Kimiko.  This will be their “holy grail” seeking Kimiko.  Nothing more dramatic than that.  lol.  when I was at the park with them the other day, I sort of had a feeling out how they are so different from each other just by looking at them, so it may be fun just letting them play off of each other.  That new blog is here:

http://seekingkimiko.blogspot.com/

I did want to keep them separate, letting them each be their own little world that I can enter when I feel like it. 

My Companion blog remains my main dolly world thoughts and doings.  That got a new look as well, but I plan on adding individual portraits of each of my dolls in the sidebars.

http://mycompaniondoll.blogspot.com/

I unfortunately accidently deleted my blogroll, so that needs to be rebuilt too.

Lastly, if anyone is interested, I revamped my travel blog, which is mostly for my family to get photo’s of where I am and family type photo’s.  Any Hawaii photo’s I take are here too, and when I am on the truck, that is recorded there.  Nothing to do with dolls, just personal things:

http://thetruckingwife.blogspot.com/

Allina’s Love

I have calmed down.  Good ol’ Allina, ever so gentle soul that she is, she’s my rock.

 

Allina confided in me that she wasn’t at all sure she could make it a whole year without her brother Mikko. I told her I wasn’t sure I could carry them both and my stuff too, so we went over different possibilities and she thought that perhaps the smallest ones would be best for traveling.  We talked about Audrey and Hammie, as is was plenty to have one brother, but if she had to care for Hammie too, that might be too much.  She thought maybe Charlotte could care for him, but I said that I could take them both, it wasn’t so much and of course, they could keep each other company when I was busy.  Allina agreed with me, but we also agreed to wait until we were home and had a chance to feel this on all sides, getting all my companion’s input.  See what I mean about Allina? 

 

And that brings me to my great news, they are diverting us to Denver instead of Utah, and so with a delivery tomorrow, we should be home tomorrow evening!  It was so unexpected!

 

Also, the BIG decision is just about completed, that I will go back on the truck for the next run, which will bring me home the middle of March and then I will leave for Hawaii about April 1 or the end of March.  Here it is already!  As soon as my daughter and I figure a date, I will be buying the ticket while home this week!  YIKES!

 

At this moment, but of course, it will not be final until everyone has had a say, I am thinking of bringing both Audrey and Hammie back with me on the next run.  It will help me decide if two is too much of a handful.

 

I also bought two matching wigs, in carrot red for them both, I thought it would be fun to try giving them a more unified look:

 

greenshot_2011-01-29_15-32-06  I am not sure how Hammie will take to having a few curls, but if not, I can trim them a bit. 

Allina Portraits and a Travel Companion decision

I took a few photo’s of Allina last night.  I really liked them.  It was dark and I liked how they captured her as I see her at bedtime, up on my bunk and before I fall asleep.  She just glows with warmth.

 

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I have discovered that wearing a scarf really cuts down on the hair messiness on the truck.  Lucky that she has 3 in her suitcase, but I think I will be making more, especially for spring and summer.  Perhaps I may make some old fashioned white caps too.

 

I want to thank everyone in the Companion Doll group for giving me support while I angst with separation anxiety for the upcoming trip.  I love the ideas presented about whom to bring along to Hawaii.  More musing thoughts on it:

 

I have a small trunk with a bed (Miette’s) that could be taken as carry on, which made me think that Miette or Audrey could come along.  Yet, however fun the 10 inchers can be, they are not as cuddly as a larger companion is.  I also worry about small objects and possibly sharing my room with my granddaughter who will be a year old.  Great to have a case that can be locked up, but small things….I don’t know.  I am leaning more and more away from a small companion even though I think travel wise, they are ideal.

 

I left the large vintage doll wardrobe in Hawaii that my daughter found for me, so that would be perfect to have for Allina or Evie.  I could find a bed on eBay and have it sent to Hawaii, then there would be a place for a companion in my room.  Companion accessories in this size are not as small and dangerous.  I would need to buy hangers for this wardrobe.  That’s an easy task.

 

I thought I would send a box before leaving will some carving tools, knitting needles, a sewing kit and the companion accessories. I’ve got quite a few Hitty ready pieces of wood to use up and that can be sent too.  Also a set of clothing patterns.

 

So, if I close my eyes and imagine a year away, a place that I will not really have lots of “me” time, but a flexible time to be able to do some things I enjoy, like knitting and sewing (my daughter does have an electric sewing machine).  I imagine that I will feel stress from being away from my husband, away from my companions and away from my own things which is not about possession’s but about being with familiar things.  I know I will feel stress from the natural chaos that comes from many people living in a home and children in general, as I am use to quiet and far less activity.  It eases up over time and I am actually looking forward to being with my daughter and grandchildren.  So I believe my greatest need from a companion will be comforting, simplicity and durability.

 

I don’t want any stress over a companion being fragile or too expensive to replace should she be lost, stolen in traveling or grabbed accidently by a 4 year old or a baby and broken or chipped.  I want someone large enough to hug, hold, sew for without difficulty.  I believe that’s my Allina, through and through.  My attachment to her grows stronger day by day and I just cannot imagine leaving her behind.  I love my Evie, but as the companions have been reduced down to those who are loved and cherished, I think “preserving” her is far more important at this stage.  When we are settled in Denmark, I will have the time and the place to bring Evie out to play.  I will not be boxing anyone up, they will all stay in their rooms with their things. 

 

That feels right, with the exception of Mikko.  I am not sure about whether to bring him or leave him to be friends with Hammie.  They are the only two boys I have, so should they have each other to play with while we are gone?  Would I be breaking up the duo of Allina and Mikko?  This one is the hard decision, as two companions mean double the clothing and shoes and stuff too, which I am reluctant to deal with.

 

So for now, the decision is Allina and I think that will be best all around.  I will certainly miss them all, but I guess the real play time will be in small doses when I get back and of course, when we settle down again. 

New Years Resolution

New Years Resolution.

I NEVER make New Years Resolutions, but this year, I am.  Beyond the usual personal ones, I have a dolly related one to share.

 

One of the resolutions I made this year was not to buy any more dolls, nor spend any time on eBay endlessly searching for stuff, dolls and creating cravings.  Right now, I have 3 resins, 3 woodens and 3 antiques as my main dolls, and a handful of small characters that really don’t get played with, but may someday provide me with storytelling fun.

 

I do not need any more dolls.  I need to play and love the ones I have.

 

Unless a very rare opportunity happens, or a deal of a lifetime gets stumbled upon, my goal for 2011 is to truly learn how to appreciate what I already have.

 

Can I do it?  lol.

Organizing the dolls

The sorting of my dolly world is almost done.  I have broken down my dolly world into these groups:

 

The BisquesMiette and Henri (antiques)  I will practice making clothing in the late Victorian era for these two.

The China’sCharlotte (antique)  Sarabonde (reproduction) both will become my “French  fashion” dolls, their garments will be made in the style of the mid-Victorian era.  Included here is Charlotte’s baby Kameko who is a vintage Japanese gofun baby.

The Vinyl’sSinatra, Lucy and 2 other 12 inch vinyl dolls (all for future photostories)

The Little’s – Girl of Many Lands Neela and someday Yupik, the miniature world I adore.

The ResinsEvie (Dollstown Seola), Audrey and Hammie (Dollzone BB’s Ani and Kay)

The OthersOlivia the Pig, Holger the Hedgehog, GML girl from India are all special character dolls for occasional photostories of their own, in the “fantasyland” genre.

The WoodensJollyann (Antique Schoenhut) and Allina (modern carving by Sisko of Finland)

 

With the upcoming major changes I will be going through, I have found some relief in organizing my dolly world, trying to find simple solution to the many things I will soon face.  I started the process by writing in the evenings, everything I could think of about each doll I owned.  Histories, backstories, inventory of their clothing and things….after awhile I discovered that I was at a loss for the reason some of them were a part of my doll world that was taking shape.  Asking myself what I wanted and needed from each of my dolls, I soon found which doll filled that need and everything started to fall into place, much to my great relief.

 

I want antiques and I have a couple.  I want a lady doll to dress, I have that in Charlotte.  I have my fine resins that I enjoy for their realism.  I want goofy soap-opery characters to make a story someday and have that in the 12 inch fashion doll crowd.  I have the odd ones (The Others) to fill in the fantasy side I love so much, with a pig and a hedgehog, I am sure they will bring a delight.  The girl from India will be my miniature.  Someday I want to get the Inuit girl too.  They can take over the dollhouse miniatures I love and cannot let go of.  And then, the ultimate of my dolly dreams….I have my woodens.  My Schoenhuts that I refinished a couple of years ago and sold have been the only dolls I sincerely regret selling. I missed them so much and bringing Jollyann home and refinishing her brought that all back and I want to explore this more.

 

In my hunt for another wooden, I was offered the chance to own one of Sisko’s fabulous hand carved dolls.  Beyond the fabulous opportunity to have one of her dolls, when I saw the photo of the wooden, I was so excited to find she was perfect in every way that I need for a wooden doll to be.  No cloth body, well formed limbs, a cheerful face, and not thin and fragile.  She is about the same size of my Schoenhut, and should be able to share clothing with her.  I love that she has the vintage/antique look.  My plan at this time is to give her a go on the truck to see if she may be the sturdy travel companion I so sorely need.  Here is Alli, which Sisko has named her, I have added na to the end of her name to bring it to Allina.

 

Pleased to introduce Allina (photo’s by Sisko)

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She is 16 inches tall.  I am so excited about her impending arrival!